A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
