I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
