I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
