Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
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Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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