im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
