Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
