dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Randomize
