His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
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