my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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