You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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