I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
