Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
