SEEEEXXX PLEASE
no, he came in my armpit
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
