There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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