Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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