How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
