why do cheetos always look like penises
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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