dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
