I'm lost and stupid without you.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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