When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
