TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
