I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Shame - the story of my life.
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