Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
