Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
