The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
