Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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