he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize