She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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