Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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