If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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