You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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