so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
