She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
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You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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