Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
We need a shit load of segways right now
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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