It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
