My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
