living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
