Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
