I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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