my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
