We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
How's work?
Spinning.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
