And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
