this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
