Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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