Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
