I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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