Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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