i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
