Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
