Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
