can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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