if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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