I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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