She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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