he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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