My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
