i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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