I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
