i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
